Montezuma´s Revenge

Montezuma was Emperor of the Aztec Empire in modern day Mexico from 1502 to 1520, and he was in power when the Spanish began their conquest of the Aztec lands. And since no one likes to see their country overrun by foreign invaders, evidently Montezuma is committed to forever seeking revenge on us foreigners who invade or just VISIT what was once Aztecan.

Moreover, he seems to have extended his “revenge zone” throughout all of Mexico, Central America, and South America … and I expect that this revenge zone could also include states (or parts of states) that were once part of Mexico, including the entire states California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas, as well as parts of Wyoming, Colorado, Oklahoma and Kansas.

That´s a wide swath of land!

So I´m not sure what I did to trigger Montezuma´s wrath all the way down here in Arequipa, Perú, which is at least 3000 miles away from where Montezuma reigned, but evidently I did something to really piss him off.

But I´m here to tell you that you don´t have to take it without putting up a fight … that you don´t have to take it sitting down … that though you may have been caught with your pants down, you don´t have to stay there … that you can turn a lemon into lemonade … that you can find rainbows in the clouds … and that ultimately you can send that negative, ahem, stuff right back where it came from.

I have done SO MUCH reading this week on the can. I´ve read an entire Spanish-language National Geographic Magazine … I can tell you about recently discovered secrets of the Mayas, about the life of a lion in Tanzania, and about the rise of the sugar industry throughout the world. I´ve read backwards and forwards the brochure on Arequipa´s Cathedral Museum. I´ve read the bulletin from last Sunday´s Catholic mass at least 3 times. I´ve listened to audiobooks on my iPod, and I´ve even prepared English lesson plans. This has been a very productive week, and all this reading is really strange for me because I have not been a voracious reader like my lovely wife, but for the past week I would say that my reading prowess has been on par with the best of them.

The other thing is that this cataclysm has been great for my diet. A few years ago I finally lost the extra 15-20 lbs that I had been carrying around for several years, but before coming to Peru I was inching back toward the 180s. Not to worry … my buddy Montezuma came to the rescue (or revenge). I didn´t even want to look at food for about 3 days, and when I dared to put even a few morsels into the system, I gurgled like a bowling pot overflowing on the stove … I bubbled like lava bubbling up from a hot crater … I rumbled like a locomotive trying to cross a mountain vertically … I growled like a tiger who hasn´t eaten in a week. I was afraid that I might wake up the neighborhood! Not only did I gurgle and bubble and rumble and growl, but I gave it all I had! If there was anything in me, it´s now long gone! I probably could have walked into a colonoscopy clinic and convinced them to give me the procedure on-the-spot. Surely I weigh less now than when I arrived 3 weeks ago, and I´d like to thank my buddy Montezuma for all his help.

Okay, Montezuma, you´ve had your revenge on me … in spite of the fact that I never did anything to you … please note that I am just down here teaching English, that I´m trying to HELP PEOPLE, and also doing a little exploring … and I might suggest that this little game of revenge you´ve been playing for God-knows-how-many-centuries is getting a little old … and I´d like to mention that there´s a little thing called karma, you know … that perhaps it´s time for you to start collecting a few reading materials yourself, eh? … and even though you may not want to hear this, I think that you´ve been looking a little pudgy around the waistline lately … so it is high time that you shave off a few of those donuts … how ´bout a little of your own medicine? … and we´ll just see if you TOO can keep a positive attitude while walking through the fire … so whatchu think of that _ _ _ _ , Big Boy?

P.S. Here´s a few photos from Perú,, and you know where you can stick them!